Wanted or Welcomed:
The Real Choice That Decides Which Child Survives

Philip G. Ney, MD, MA, FRCP(C)

December 1998

Introduction

Margaret Sanger, the mother of International Planned Parenthood Federation (I.P.P.F.), proclaimed "the first right of every child is to be wanted."  Jesus Christ, the author of Christianity stated, "Whoever welcomes a child in my name welcomes me, whoever welcomes me, welcomes my father."

Wanted or Welcomed, is there a difference, and if so, is it important?  I would like to demonstrate that there is a vital difference between being wanted or welcomed.  A difference sufficiently important that the life or death of our species depends upon it.

Some people, old and young, are chosen to live because they are wanted.  Many millions die because they are unwanted.  A diminishing number live because they are who they are.  Their right to exist is recognized and protected.

A friend of mine, Dr. Rose Shvela, survived five selections in the Nazi death camps.  She lived because she was chosen to live.  Another friend, Dr. Wanda Paltawska, survived RavensbrŸk because she was wanted for "medical" experimentation.  There are approximately sixty million unwanted unborn babies who die each year because they are unwanted.  There were millions, Jews, Gypsies, Ukrainians, Chinese, Filipinos  etc. who were cruelly killed during World War II, not because of any offence, but because they were unwanted. There are about 150 million children each year whose neighbours or siblings are terminated but who are allowed to live because they are wanted.  Is it a joy to be wanted and wonderful to be alive because somebody chose you?  The follow up studies of the death camp survivors found they had  high rates of depression and suicide.  Many of their deep psychological conflicts about being alive were also found in their children.  It appears that many survivors do not find great pleasure and peace in life.  One of their greatest difficulties is guilt, survivor guilt. They feel guilty that they are alive, when others just as good as them died, because of circumstances over which none of them had any control. Those who survived because they were wanted also seem to have an impending sense of doom or existential anxiety.  They fear that someday their lives will be snuffed out by circumstances similar to those which killed their siblings; inconvenience, imperfections, wrong sex, too many, etc.  For children chosen to live when their parents killed their little siblings, there is a deep distrust of all parental figures.  They have an anxious attachment to their mothers and fathers that interferes with their ability to question their family and explore the world.  This repression of curiosity interferes with their intellectual development.  It restricts their freedom to know and express their thoughts or feelings more effectively than any totalitarian regime has been able to achieve.

That simple sentence of I.P.P.F., "the first right of every child is to be wanted" is the death sentence for millions of children and threatens many millions more who become abortion survivors.   Thus Planned Parenthood is creating a culture of death and disharmony.  Is it any wonder we see so many young people that are apathetic, antisocial, distrustful, without natural affection and pessimistic about their future.  The wanted survivors of abortion are deeply unhappy people who disturb those around them.  They have a deleterious impact on the culture and economy of our current civilization.

Definitions and Quantities

A person is a survivor when somebody attempts to kill them, or when the chances of them surviving are statistically low, or when they were sentenced to death and are reprieved, or when those who are near and dear to them were killed.  Thus there are ten types of abortion survivors;

1)  Those little infants who breathed for a few minutes or hours, having survived a late term abortion.  They lived their last moments desperately clinging to life in a garbage can or they were suffocated when someone smothered them with a placenta so their cries could not be heard.  But God heard them.

2)  Those who have survived attempted murder by abortion.  Some now are paraplegia, some missing arms and legs.

3)  Those who survived when a twin was killed by an abortion.

4)  Those whose siblings were killed by abortion.

5)  Those who would have died had the abortion laws or social circumstances allowed it.

6)  Those who would have died had parents been able to detect they were handicapped.

7)  Those who have been threatened.  "You ungrateful teenager.  I could have aborted you."

8)  Those who were selected at invitro fertilization while their siblings were discarded down the drain.

9)  Those whose parents carefully considered whether to abort or not to abort them, deciding to keep them only because at that moment they were reasonably convenient and wanted.

10) Those who had a statistically low chance of survival, eg. in the U.S.A.- about 50%, in eastern Europe- 20-30%, and in China- 10-20%.

Since there are approximately 60,000,000 abortions each year, there are 150,000,000 to 200,000,000 new abortion survivors each year.  These people have deep psychological and social difficulties that express themselves in pervasive inter-psychic conflicts and persistent personal problems. 

Children Know

Do children know they are abortion survivors?  As a rule, child psychiatrists understand that there are no real family secrets.  Children have a way of perceiving what is going on in the family but often dare not talk about it for fear of upsetting the family.  These are very damaging pseudo-secrets.  It is impossible to not communicate following an important event in one's life.  The trauma changes behaviour, perceptions, and personality which let others know that something critical has taken place.  Thus it is not really possible to keep the secret of abortion from children.  It may be possible to collude with them to maintain pseudo-secrets, but pseudo-secrets awaken suspicions and fantasies.  These are often worse than the facts.

Children learn about abortion in a number of ways;

1)  They have intuition.  Through their dreams and their drawings they often convey the fact that they know that their mother was pregnant and lost that pregnancy.  Long ago a little girl told me about a terrifying dream in which three of her siblings had become buried in a tunnel they made in the sand.  According to the mother she was an only child.  She later admitted she had three early miscarriages, but insisted her daughter could not have known about them.  Often children show their intuitive awareness of other family members by drawing extra children when asked to draw a picture of their whole family.

2)  Children overhear conversations between neighbours, or hear their parents talking on the telephone, or through the bedroom walls.

3)  Some children are told directly by parents; sometimes in sorrow, sometimes out of guilt.  

4)  Recently, it has become popular to involve the children in decisions about whether the next pregnancy should be aborted.

5)  Some children are threatened, "I could have aborted you."

6)  Children are very curious about events that affect their survival and may pointedly ask, "Was I wanted?  Did you have other children?"

7)  Some people believe the spirits of aborted children who are not committed to God hang around and have ways of indicating their existence, especially to children.  

8) Some children have persistent, imaginary playmates that later in life they conclude where aborted siblings.

Conflicts and Symptoms

The main damaging effects on the children come from seven major conflicts.

1)  Survivor guilt.  Children feel unworthy of life.  They feel that their aborted siblings were probably better than they are.  Often parents reinforce this idea by communicating to them that they must be good appreciative children.  Why?  Because the aborted child certainly would have been perfect.  The replacement child can't possibly please their parents no matter how hard they try.

2)  Existential Anxiety.  Because circumstances over which they had no control decided whether they were alive or dead, abortion survivors have a sense of impending doom.  Their persistent anxiety often results in phobias and nightmares.  In one instance, an abortion survivor had a repeating nightmare of being chased by a witch.  She could only find safety by tunnelling under a telephone box.  Because of their deep existential anxiety, abortion survivors tend to be people pleasers.  They feel it is important to continue being popular with their peers and worry less about pleasing God.

3)  Anxious attachment.  Mothers who have had abortions and fathers who were uninformed, uninvolved, or unsupportive have difficulty bonding to their other children. Post abortion parents tend to respond to their infant's helpless cry, less with nurture and more with anger or helplessness.  Children distrust parents who are willing and able to kill one of their helpless children.  They suspect parents, who believe in aborting unwanted children, of being a party to at least one child's death.  These three factors result in an anxious attachment between parent and child.  This means the children are never sure they can survive without being close to their mothers.  As infants they tend to be clinging and demanding.  Later in life they are continually testing their parents.  Because of the anxious attachment, children do not explore.  Without a carefree confidence to leave their parents and investigate the world, their intelligence does not develop as well.

4)  Fear of knowing and expressing.  Abortion surviving children suspect there is some dread secret about their being alive, but they are afraid to ask anyone about it.  Parents and children collude to maintain this awful pseudo-secret.  You won't ask and I won't tell.  Because they don't dare ask questions or investigate what is really going on in the family, children stay ignorant of many things, not only about in their family, but about the family of humanity.  They are often afraid to express their doubts and fears lest they blurt out their suspicions.  Thus they limit their communication of feelings.  Their fear of knowing and expressing tends to result in a general fear of freedom.  Although they are resentful, they may prefer dictatorship to democracy.

5) Difficulty Loving.  Abortion survivors are afraid of trusting parents who say they love them but have terminated their unborn siblings.  They tend to be cynical about love, hedonistic in their amorous pursuits, and fearful of any committed relationship.  They fear women because women kill babies.  They fear men because men have little ability and no interest or legal right to protect little ones at the most vulnerable time in their lives.  They distrust the state because it has abolished laws protecting helpless infants.  Thus they tend to distrust and disregard any parental or legal authority.  Its hard for them to love or be loved.  They tend to form sequential sexual relationships that result in serial polygamy. 

6)  Self doubt.  Parents who have unleashed their most primitive aggression, killing their own helpless young by arranging for an abortionist to crush and dismember their baby, can not trust themselves.  Being afraid of their own aggression, they tend to repeatedly remind children to be careful.  Children who are continuously cautioned learn not to trust themselves.  Abortion survivors grow up being cautious, obsessive, and afraid of failure.  They can't trust their parents so they distrust their own parenting ability.  Citing poverty, health, or inconvenience, they abort their young before they might harm them.  For this and other reasons, the tendency to abort pre- born babies is transgenerational.

7)  Ontological Guilt.  Because the abortion surviving people are never sure how long they will live, they tend not to make plans for the future.  They don't use their abilities, finish their education, or take good advantage of the opportunities sent their way.  Having failed to become all that they could have been, they feel guilty for not becoming.

8) Resentful.  Being an abortion survivor and a wanted child tends to make children feel they must be continually grateful.  Eventually survivors tire of being appreciative of a life that was theirs by right anyhow and become resentful and angry.  If they are alive because they were wanted, they feel they can continue staying alive only by staying wantable.  When it becomes too difficult to always be a pleasing child, they become particularly displeasing.  They resent the tenuous thread of wantedness maintaining their life and sometimes deliberately break it by being very obnoxious to see what will happen to them.

9) Self Destructive.  Because children have a self-centred view of the universe, they often feel they have contributed to their sibling's death.  They anticipate retribution from their family and fear God might punish them at any time.  Some punish themselves with self-injurious behaviour.  Others commit suicide.  Some young abortion survivors continually apologize for being alive.  In their sad, angry conversations with their parents they are overheard to say, "I know I am a stupid kid.  Forgive me for being alive."

Examples

Isabella, 37, is an obstetrician/gynaecologist in Poland.  Her mother had four abortions after she was born.  She had three abortions before and one abortion after her only child.  She had been an abortionist for a number of years, but was becoming increasingly selective about who she terminated.  She seemed to be a pleasant, energetic person but felt she did not know who she was.  She was not happy to be alive, had insecure human relationships, and often thought of injuring herself.  She was frequently sad about life and angry at her husband or little boy.  She often thought that she was losing her mind, and was bothered by ideas she could not control.  She had many broken relationships, poor physical health, difficulty being a good parent, suicidal thoughts, repeated depressions, sleeplessness and difficulty trusting people.  As she became increasingly aware of the roots to her problem she became better able to express her fears and sorrow.  She began looking for ways to give up her lucrative practice of abortion.

Alexandra, a 26 year old psychology student from Hungary, had one older sibling who had been aborted.  She had aborted her only pregnancy.  Although she was bright and energetic, she was not happy to be alive.  She didn't have a good idea of who she was, realized she was not using her abilities, had many insecure attachments, had often injured herself, and had a persistent feeling that something terrible was going to happen to her.  She had many broken relationships, repeated depressions, persistent grieving, low self esteem, and frightening dreams.  As she discovered the roots of her conflicts in being an abortion survivor, she began expressing many more feelings.  As she grew in awareness, she lost her suspicious defensiveness.

Prevention and Treatment

1)  It is always better to prevent than to treat.  Therefore it is vitally important that all children be welcomed to the world whether they are wanted or not.  Blessed indeed are all those children who grow up in families where abortions have never been done or even considered.

2) We have clinical and experimental evidence to show that it is important to discuss the abortion of siblings with a child.  To do so makes it possible for parents to talk about anything without having to maintain pseudo secrets.  It allows children to investigate everything they want to in the family and learn from the families past mistakes.  It diminishes the restriction on expressing feelings and the need to maintain pseudo-secrets.  Disclosing and discussing with abortion survivors makes it possible for parents not to worry about an unexpected jolt when their children find out from someone else.  Parents might see something is wrong because there is a sudden alienation in their relationship for reasons the children are afraid to talk about.  From the data we have gathered it appears that children are less affected about learning they are abortion survivors when they are told by their parents than if they find out some other way..  It is better that the child find out gradually rather than being told everything suddenly.  The parents should explain more in keeping with the child's curiosity and according to their ability to understand.

3) The Universal Ethic of Mutual Benefit states you cannot benefit at the expense of another.  If it's not also good for your neighbour, no action or acquisition is really good for you.  There are no proven psychiatric, medical, or social reasons to do an abortion.  Because the unborn child cannot benefit from an abortion, the mother does not.  If the mother cares for her baby she is caring for herself.

Conclusion

When a child is welcomed in Christ's name he is welcomed to be (to exist), to be here (anywhere), and to become (what God intended him to be).

Wanted children are more fearful, distrustful and prone to hedonism.  The wanted abortion survivor is also guilt ridden, anxious, and angry.  The advantage of being an unwanted child is that a child is free to be himself instead of constantly worrying about being good enough to stay wanted.  The child who is welcomed regardless of who or where they are can have a greater sense of purpose and joy in being alive. 

Since everyone is ambivalent about everything almost all the time, there are few, if any, children who are completely unwanted.  Besides that, even if their parents don't want them, there are many others who would welcome them as adopted children.  The human organism is primed to maintain every healthy pregnancy.  What the body does to hold onto and nurture the unborn infant is recorded and reinforced by the mind.  Thus every child is wanted by someone in some way.  The real choice is whether or not to welcome a child.

If a child is unwelcome, the door to life or real living is slammed in his face.  Whether he is allowed to live as an abortion survivor or not, if he is not welcome to be who he is, where he is, his life is alien to him.  A child can be unwanted, a great inconvenience, but still welcomed.  That child has life and liberty to become what God intended him to be.

It is vitally important to illuminate the evil idea of wantedness determining whether people live or die.  Wantedness is very destructive philosophy.  It now applies to unborn children (abortion) handicapped people (eugenics) and the aged (euthanasia).  Soon everyone will be evaluated in terms of wantedness.  The philosophy of wantedness is destroying the life and light God put into our planet earth.

It is time that all God-fearing people welcome every baby in Christ's name.  For when we welcome babies we are welcomed by them and thus welcome ourselves.  When we welcome a baby in Christ's name we welcome the light and love of Christ.  We also welcome God the Father.  When we welcome Him we also get all the resources of the universe.  How then could there be any child who is unwanted because over population is straining the resources of earth?  We have a limitless God who operates a limitless universe. 

Having children makes us plan and conserve for the future.  Thus the children make us hope.  Without children there is no hope.  Without hope we don't want to have children.  This vicious cycle of diminishing hope and fewer children being allowed to exist is creating social despair and economic chaos in many parts of the world.  For our own benefit, and that of our children and the world, we must welcome every child of every size, shape, race, or wantedness in the name of Jesus Christ.  Try it.  It will also change your life.  Welcoming every child will go a long way to making the world into a better place in which to be, to be here and to become.